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System [14 Oct 2003|03:42pm] Private journal. Access denied.

DISSECTION: An In-Depth Look At Me [22 Mar 2003|05:43pm] I need this right now. I had a lot of time to think to myself on the lawnmower. I thought about killing myself...thought about not. Thought about how love is pointless...thought about how life without love is pointless. Right now, I hate myself...and I promised my boyfriend I wouldn't hurt myself again. So I'm using my journal as a razor, cutting into myself to see from the inside...to see what's bothering me. Name: Kitsune (kit-SOO-nay) Color: Yellow Music: Pop Most likely to say: “Whoo, fun!” -- “Wai!” -- “Ooh, look, shiny!” What I like about him: He has an innocence and is very playful. What I don't like about him: He can be insulting in his playfulness and his innocence left when my own sins raped him. He is irresponsible and greedy. Name: Blaed (BLADE) Color: Red Music: Heavy metal Most likely to say: “Fuck off.” -- “Die.” -- “I'll punch you in your fucking face if you don't shut up.” What I like about him: He's powerful and doesn't let anyone push him around. What I don't like about him: He's brash and will most definitely hurt someone I care about. Also self destructive. Name: Rendu (rin-DOO) Color: Black Music: Punk rock Most likely to say: “They should be publicly executed with a battle-axe for their ignorance.” -- “I don't have time for your nonsense.” -- “There is no way you could beat me.” What I like about him: He too doesn't get pushed around and he's very intellectual. What I don't like about him: Stuck on himself. Overly critical. The exact thing I hate about others is what I see in myself. Name: Blaine (BLANE) Color: Violet Music: Techno Most likely to say: “::gasps:: I am offended!” -- “Now that is a atrocious color.” -- “Oh my God! That face!” What I like about him: He's flirty and allows me to express my sexuality. What I don't like about him: He's quite opinionated and critical of material things. Also, he makes the fact that I'm gay dreadfully obvious. Name: Sylvestrienne (sil-VEST-ree-EN) Color: Silver Music: Emo Most likely to say: Nothing What I like about him: ..... What I don't like about him: He's depressed and self-piteous. He, like Blaed, is self-destructive. However, Blaed gets angry at himself while Syl thinks himself deserving pain for things done wrong. He dwells on the past and lets his mistakes hurt him. Name: Riem (rye-IM) Color: Blue Music: Celtic, Japanese, Poetic Most likely to say: “Can I help you with that?” -- “I'm sorry...I'm here if you need to talk.” -- “Hey. How are you?” What I like about him: He's polite, sweet, and a caring friend. He loves those close to him and will help out in any way. He is a hopeless romantic and longs to be swept off his feet in something like a scene from a love story. What I don't like about him: He sometimes loses his confidence and falls into one of his darker moods. He changes too much, not staying himself except for brief periods of time. He's me in my most basic and favorite form. Why can't I always be him...? I do not in any way consider myself to have multiple personalities or anything of the sort. I just find it easier to gives names to my moods...and describe them as if they were people. Maybe this will make me feel better. //leave me a rose//

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